Cars all packed, we are ready to go.
Okay, not all of us…
As I struggle to leave the house for the chance to take a sudden vacation, one that I had been wanting to do for months, the mean girl in my head is back... And she says she isn’t going anywhere.
“How did I let it get this bad?”
The voices echo in my head. I’ve let anxiety take over before, but this was a new low. It was only 2 hours away from my house... Why did it feel even further? Why did it feel impossible? This time around, I couldn’t even find joy in the vacation. Of finally having a few days off work and away from the noise of the city.
We had nowhere to be, but the pressure I felt to leave the house was so great I almost didn’t go.
We were packing up and ready to go. The car was packed, the groceries loaded, and the car was running. But I was frozen. My husband saw my face and suggested we go sit down for a moment to talk. So we sat on our back porch and chatted for a few minutes, tears streaming down my face as I explained my worries and tried to justify a reason not to go. My husband helped ground me by squeezing my hand over and over again while listening to my concerns. He helped me argue with the mean girl in my head. And he helped me win. I’m so incredibly lucky to have such an understanding husband who can spot my signs of panic so quickly and also help ground me.
The moment of panic passed. Sure, I was still nervous, but the panic attack that was trying to surface had been pushed down for now. I’m sure it will visit me later, it always does. But the important part was that I was able to get into the car.
The list of things we had to do before we left was running through my head as fast as it could. All of these tasks that seemed impossible that I had to do before we could leave. Those were what my brain latched on to; that is what I started hyper-fixating on. “We can’t leave until we do XY&Z”. And that’s the recurring thought that has been keeping me housebound for so long. There is always something to do before you do the fun thing… I have to stop putting it off. I had to take the plunge. So I did.
It all seems so silly now as I sit here, looking over the lake. That’s right, mean girl in my head, I made it. A little cabin in the woods off a lake. And it’s perfect.
After promises that we could go home at any time. I put my big girl pants on, and I got in the car. I could see that this little getaway was just as important to him as it was to me. He may have enabled me a little bit by letting me chill in the car while he went into the store. Most stores. I know if I had gone in, we wouldn’t have made it here.
Thank god we did because I can hear the birds again.
I can surround myself with nature, and I can go off the beaten path and sit and write.
I can finally breathe again.
It’s amazing how trapped and safe my house can make me feel at the same time. I’m not meant to live in a subdivision, where I can hear kids playing and cars driving past. I’m meant to be surrounded by woods, not streets and houses with no trees in sight. While I feel safe in my house, and have trouble leaving it because of anxiety. I have to ask myself why. Is it because it’s my only escape from the abomination that is outside my door? The city, and it’s not even a big one, is just not for me. While I feel safe in my house, it’s because I can almost hide away from the noise and expectations of the outside world. With my husband at the desk next to me, we are safe.
But as I sit here and write…
Perhaps my home is no longer a house, but a feeling. As I sit outside on the porch of this little cabin and write with my favorite person next to me, I feel more at home than I have in the three years. I’m starting to find myself again.
Publication note Originally on Medium ([October 10, 2025]). This is the canonical version.