As I start this journey of writing about myself, the intrusive thoughts are winning. They always win when I start a new task, but you know what. Not today. Sure, they are still there;
“You aren’t good enough to write.”
“No one is even going to read this.”
“Why are you trying?”
Those are the big ones today. And you know what, for once, I have answers for them. And though those answers quiet them, they are still there, but they are duller.
I argue with my intrusive thoughts a lot, because a lot of them are self-deprecating. It feels like a feeble argument anytime I try, but today I’m saying No.
So what if no one reads my work? This wasn’t why I finally started to write about myself. The only reason I started doing this was to make others not feel alone. But I know that not every piece is going to be a winner or something people relate to. And that’s okay, because maybe they will.
I write to reach people in the time I have, and to stop the intrusive thoughts. Because right now, that’s where I’m at. And that’s okay.
My journey to recovery is a slow one, and sometimes I have days when I feel great. Today and yesterday were not those days. But each step forward is a good one. So pen to paper, this is what I have to give today.
So, my answers;
“I won’t get better if I don’t practice.”
“My husband will because he loves and supports me.”
“Because I want to.”
From “You aren’t good enough to write.” to “I won’t get better if I don’t practice.” - That’s the first victory. I’m writing today, and I’m already progressing in my journey.
From “No one is even going to read this.” to “My husband will because he loves and supports me.” — The second victory, my husband continually asks if he can read my work, and sometimes even reads pieces before I’m done with them. He’s my number one fan and supporter, and I hope I am the same for him.
From “Why are you trying?” to “Because I want to.” — The third victory. I love writing, and it helps me when times are rough. While it’s been years since I’ve written anything substantial, I’d forgotten that it is one of my greatest coping strategies. When I was a kid (until very recently), I’d RP(role-play) all kinds of characters. So essentially, I’d tell a story with others about fictional characters. That was my escape at home when I was away from the barn. I was never much of a journaler. Now, after not being able to stay upright at the barn due to heat intolerance, among other things, I need writing more than ever. But I want to write something that could help people while I help myself.
So intrusive thoughts, you can go ahead and stop… Because I’m not giving up this time. Today I’ve already won.
Publication note Originally on Medium ([October 2025]). This is the canonical version.