A firsthand look at how obsessive thoughts rewired my world one ritual at a time.
For years, I thought my obsessive thoughts were harmless quirks. It wasn’t until they controlled my every action that I realized how serious OCD can be… and how little it’s truly understood.
I’m going to write to you guys through my reading of the book my therapist recommended on OCD. The Integrated OCD Workbook by Alex J. Carter. So far, it’s a fascinating and informative read. Not only have I learned how OCD affects the brain, but I have also learned that I fit every subtype of OCD. So that’s fun. Another thing I learned is that it's something that can worsen over time, which explains why mine became so bad that it mentally crippled me; from leaving the house, doing my job, talking to friends, eating food, to cooking, to the things that I loved. It has taken everything away from me. But I’m slowly rebuilding. And I’m taking you along for the ride.
I’m sharing my story, hoping that this helps someone; maybe it’ll help dispel some rumors or harmful stereotypes about OCD by helping people to understand some things that people with OCD go through.
I’m going to start us off with a quote.
“The truth is, OCD is one of the most misunderstood mental health conditions — by the public, by media, and sometimes even by those experiencing it. These misconceptions aren’t just annoying — they can make you feel invisible, ashamed, or like your struggle isn’t real.”
- The Integrated OCD Workbook, by Alex J. Carter
That line hit me hard because I misunderstood my condition. I dismissed it for years; I was clueless about how severe it would become if left untreated. Turns out 30 years of accidentally reformatting the way your brain works does some serious damage once it catches up with you. But I’m fighting back against it now by figuring out what I can and taking the time to face the problems instead of just putting a temporary band-aid on them.
According to the workbook, OCD differs from general anxiety because it involves performing a ritual (internal or external) to ease that anxiety. But it's not normal anxiety; it is pure fear. Your body misinterprets the signal and jumps into panic mode. So, to calm yourself down, you perform an action that ends that anxiety temporarily. But now the pathway is open in your brain, and the voice says, “Well, last time this was the only thing that worked…”. So you try the ritual again the next time the thought comes up out of desperation. And then the cycle starts over and continues.
“A thought shows up, suddenly and forcefully. It’s intrusive, uncomfortable, maybe even disturbing. You try to push it away. You try to figure it out, fix it, neutralize it. You feel tense, on edge, like something is dangerously off. So you do something — anything — to make that feeling go away. And for a moment, it does. Until Next time. This is the OCD cycle.”
- The Integrated OCD Workbook, by Alex J. Carter
The only way to break that cycle is to realize that these intrusive thoughts can’t actually hurt you. That you aren’t actually in danger. That you aren’t actually a bad person, just because the intrusive thoughts tell you that you are and turn up your heart rate… Believing those became a little easier today. To remember that this is a reaction I trained my body to have. To feel the need to correct my thoughts, to understand them, is my first step towards defeating them.
I know OCD is a lifelong disorder, and it will always be there. But I can fight it each step of the way, make it harder for it to get its grubby little hands on my brain next time. The workbook explains OCD almost like a monster, gripping at the outside of your thoughts, manipulating them, and making you believe that the only way you can stop them is by performing a compulsion.
My most used one is a big red sign that says no that pops up in my head, with an echoing voice yelling NO! If I say no in my mind, the thoughts can’t possibly be true. I can stop them from happening. But the loop repeats. The fix lasts for a shorter amount of time each time until I finally have to try something else. It’s normally repeated phrases; sometimes it’s the Serenity Prayer, sometimes it’s organizing things on my desk. If I’m alone, sometimes I’ll say the thing out loud, but normally it stays in my head. Sometimes I sing silly songs to pass the feeling, but it’s always something to soothe myself, to make myself feel better from the thought. To argue with it. Rather than accept it for what it is, an intrusive and unwanted thought loop.
That’s my first step. Reforming the way I think. I’ve conditioned my brain for so long that it truly is convinced the only way to rectify a problem is by performing a ritual or saying something to fix it. “You’re fine” is one that goes through my head a lot. By repeating it, I can make myself believe it.
An example of a spiral would be an intrusive thought barging into my head. Normally, it's obsessing about something I said, or making sure I don’t offend someone by saying thank you or sorry repeatedly… Then my brain goes “Oh, you’re right… But what if you stabbed them?” and then the process starts all over again on another thought. I repeat that I’m not a bad person in my head; I would never stab someone. But then my brain goes “Yeah, but what if you did?” And then the loop starts. Sometimes it spirals all the way to me going to jail in my head before I realize how far I’ve let it take hold of me.
Another obsession I have is that people can read my thoughts, and that I have to put up a mental shield so they can’t read them. So when the intrusive thoughts are really dark, I mentally put up a shield so no one can hear them. I know it’s silly, I know it doesn’t actually do anything, but I’ve convinced my brain that it does. Somehow, the intrusive thoughts have convinced me that, because no one ever read my thoughts that the shield is working. That’s how OCD gets its claws into you, because it remembers the action that removed the panic. That soothed. And it brings it up repeatedly.
These, these are all things that I thought everyone dealt with.
These thoughts are how I watched my world disappear and close in around me. I don’t think I’ve been to a grocery store in 2 years. My husband goes in them, or I order groceries online. Last time I went in one, I had a panic attack… So my OCD latched onto that, and the thoughts spiral every time. Sometimes I’ll sit in the parking lot and try to go in, but often I sit there for thirty minutes in my car, waiting to go in and then leave. I would not eat before I went into a grocery store. That’s how bad it is. That’s how much I’ve let fear consume me.
But I’m tired of it; I’m fighting back. I’m educating myself and sharing what I learn as I go. My OCD has done a lot of damage to my brain, but I’m going to do what I can to get my thoughts back to where they need to be. All the while, I’m arming myself for the future attack that is sure to come. I’m taking my life back. Follow along to join me as I do.
Enjoyed this? May I suggest?
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Originally posted in Black Bear on Medium