The battle between understanding and intrusive thoughts
“Wow, you really like to argue…” is a phrase I heard a lot growing up. That, and “you’ll understand when you are older.” But not for reasons you might expect. Sure, I’d argue and cop an attitude sometimes. But that wasn’t why I was labeled argumentative. I asked too many questions. Somehow, my creativity and curiosity got translated into arguing or disobedience. In reality, I just wanted to understand. At first, I think it was just curiosity, but then it became obsessive. I needed to understand; it was all I could think about. And if I didn’t understand something, I couldn’t argue with the intrusive thoughts. And unfortunately, those thoughts can be incredibly convincing.
I think now that my curiosity might have been a desire to understand how to fit in. To figure out how people’s brains worked, because mine didn’t seem to work the same way. I wanted to be normal for a long, long time before I accepted that it wasn’t going to happen (being normal is boring anyway). So I spent my time trying to understand those around me. So I wouldn’t worry my parents because they had enough to deal with. I didn’t want to cause any problems or distress for them or anyone else. So I learned how to hide the internal battle I was having for a very significant amount of time. Sometimes I could, but it’s become more and more difficult as I’ve aged.
My parents eventually stopped answering my every question. The curiosity was still there, though it never disappeared, and I think I understand better now.
I constantly argue with the voice in my head, my other self, the bitchy mean part… the intrusive thoughts. I sometimes think I can stop them if I knew why things were the way they were. I could use knowledge and proof to outsmart that voice inside my head when it told me that the rock that flew off the car in front of me was probably actually a bullet or whatever intrusive thought I had at the time.
I’ve had to basically convince myself that I wasn’t a terrible person from a very young age. If I can argue and convince that other voice that I’m not actually a bad person, then maybe it’ll finally cease to exist.
I know that’s wishful thinking, but the more I read about OCD, the more I understand. The more the puzzle pieces seem to fall into place.
All those years of arguing with myself have paid off in their own way. I feel that I have to get pretty creative to fight off the thoughts sometimes. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, too. When you have to approach things from every angle to prevent the doubt and wild speculation of your own mind, you get pretty good at thinking outside the box.
So yes. I may seem argumentative. But let me be clear, that isn’t because of you. I just enjoy discussing, debating, and making connections. It keeps my brain busy, focused on something important instead of getting sidetracked by overthinking and intrusive thoughts.
Enjoyed this? May I recommend?
M. Drella
Originally posted on Medium