Recurring nightmares haunt some nights, while peaceful and quick sleep plagues others, but the inability to stay asleep is the problem most nights.
Some people assume that because I have narcolepsy, sleep isn’t an issue for me. “Oh, you can fall asleep whenever? I wish I could do that!” Sure. It’s a nifty skill, but my sleep is in no way quality sleep.
It’s 4 a.m., and this is the second time I’ve woken up tonight. The first time, after tossing and turning for an hour, I got up and came to get my notebook. I refused to let myself get on my PC.
Now, I find myself at the computer yearning to write. I tried and failed for another hour to fall back asleep, which this time included my all too familiar friend with sleep paralysis and hypnagogic hallucinations. As I’m trying to fall asleep, I’m hearing and seeing things, while unable to move. Tonight, it was just a deep voice right outside of my hearing. I couldn’t understand it or see the figure, but I could sense the presence, and it felt urgent; I thought there was a person there.
I’m wondering if I’m coming up on another poor spell of sleep. It happens in phases for me. Some nights, I don’t really struggle with my narcolepsy symptoms, but other nights, they are awful. It’s hard because I have been waking up without an alarm. Could it be that I have something to look forward to? Or is it perhaps the stress of everyday life? The questions I could ask are endless, but there are just too many threads to follow.
I will forever be searching for a pattern in my sleep. I just want answers to a question that will never come. Narcolepsy should have been the answer, but it wasn’t. Because of my other conditions, the treatments that work for most don’t work for me. I need to know more. I need to understand so I can figure out how to help myself.
I also know I need to call for my sleeping meds, because without them, sleep is an impossibility. I tried the new medication, but it didn’t work. I feel like I’ll forever be chasing a good night’s sleep.
Sleep is so important for all mental health; without it, all the things I’ve worked so hard to keep stable get peeled away. The way our bodies are connected is important and so incredibly frustrating. I know I need sleep to function, but my narcolepsy also knows this. Whether it's anxiety and racing thoughts, endless nightmares, or just plain restlessness… Sleep has escaped me for another night. And I can feel my brain melting already.
Want to learn more about my journey with narcolepsy? Check out this article.
M. Drella
Origionally posted on Medium
M. Drella